My Moldy Couch Malfunction


It is my job to find us a couch for our apartment. So I scroll through a trading page on Facebook, and I find a decent couch and love seat for under $200. The owner is ready to deliver them straight to our door, so I cut her check and wait for her to show up. About two hours after noon, she arrives in a U-haul with six of her obliging nephews that help carry the furniture up to our third floor home. What once was a large empty space quickly becomes a living room stuffed with furniture.

The love seat smells a little funky, so we decide to take off the cushion covers and throw them in the washer. The underside of the first cushion is permanently stained a sort of gross dark grey. We pick up the second cushion…. resting on the frame of this loveseat is a bed of mold. We’ve got to get these out of our apartment ASAP. I call the owner back and tell her about the mold. I even offer her some money to come back and get the couches. She, surprisingly, apologizes claiming the couches have been in her damp basement, and she was unaware that they had accumulated mold. She assures me that within the hour, she will come back to retrieve her furniture and give me my check back. This is at 4:00PM.


Well… at 11:00PM, after many unanswered calls, texts, and Facebook messages, we all realize she isn’t coming back. We’re stuck with two moldy, bulky, heavy pieces of furniture. And we live on the third floor. Elena and Shelby, like troopers, carry the loveseat down to the parking lot while I make futile attempts to contact the owner. With no choice at this point but to call it a night, we leave the couch turned over in the apartment. I put a “Sorry for the inconvenience” sign on the loveseat in the parking lot and hope that our landlord does not notice.

The next morning is rough. Shelby texts me at 8:00 AM. I respond incoherently, because I’m only half awake. So, she calls every dumpster and donation center in town to find out they are all closed on Sundays except the Salvation Army. I apologize profusely for being the worst morning person ever and throw on some sneakers. We’re all stressed now. We’ve got a gross loveseat in the parking lot, a huge couch on its side in our doorway, a large check in the hands of a runaway owner, and mold that could be spreading!

We’ve got to start with the loveseat. We cannot leave it where it is. I’ve got a minivan (like every cool 22-year-old). So we hurriedly empty the backseat, fold the seats down, and hope and pray that the loveseat will fit. It does! What we do next we are not exactly proud of but we have justified and come to terms with… We take the moldy loveseat to the Salvation Army drop off center. I know. I know. It’s terrible. BUT we figure that either they can use it, or they can dispose of it. We have the means to do neither. So, with the help of a slender mustachioed man in flannel who was also dropping off some items, Shelby and I get rid of the loveseat.

On to the couch. The 700 lb couch. While Shelby and I were taking care of the loveseat, Elena managed to reserve a U-haul. So, we’re all set. We’ve taken care of the loveseat. We’ve rented a U-haul. But how are we going to get that couch down three flights of stairs? When there is a deeply frustrated will, there is a way. With the help of my friend Gia, who happens to be spending the night (poor Gia), the four of us lift that thing down all three stories. In 96 degree weather, we are covered in sweat, grunting like female tennis players, and using every last ounce of strength we’ve got left. It feels like the bulky couch is going to crush us before we make it down. Each step is a struggle. Surprisingly though, my tiny arms don’t give out. We make it to the parking lot. And into the U-haul it goes. Whew…

Before long, we’re perusing trading sites again. Only this time, before we purchase a couch, we vow to inspect it thoroughly. And we do! We find a beautiful couch only 20 miles way. We all go look at it, hand the owner cash, and drive that thing back to the apartment (in the minivan of course). And with no hesitation, we grab the corners and hoist it on up to our humble abode.

And ya know what? It fits perfectly and couldn’t be comfier.



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